Oh! I guess I do have one thing that I could blog about. I won a domain in NameCheap’s last contest. You know? The Super Bowel Contest. I was really hoping that I would win just one because I really wanted to get a gift for my good friend Nina. So when I won, is was like “OH YEAH!”

So, I knew how much she missed her website and old domain. I know her parents a little bit too. They’re completely against buying things online. They’re those kinds of parents and yeah. So she couldn’t buy her domain again or anything. So, I thought, if I won a domain, then I could get her a domain as an early birthday gift6. I mean, her birthday isn’t till May, but I was excited.

So! I got her a domain! Not only that, but I dug up some of her backups. I had helped her restore backups for her site in the past, but I wasn’t sure if I still had the files. Well, I did! Lucky me! I had never deleted them off of my laptop! Because soon after, it stopped working. You know. It was being a dick head like it usually is. Lots of fun that is. Well, I guess it worked out for the better this time. Because if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have the backups.

Well, with those files, i was able to restore her entire old website and files and everything! Always a nice bonus, I think. So I did that and then I made her a layout. personally, I don’t think the layout came out too great. But she loved it and that’s all that matters. Yes, she knows that the domain and website and all were an early birthday gift. The best part though is that you can give it to her year, after year, after year. xD

Not the point though! lol. The point is, it was something that I really wanted to do. She’s really happy and that makes me so glad. It was worth the trouble and time that I put into it. I know how much she loved her websites and now she can have it back! This time, she doesn’t have to worry about a crappy host either, because I’m hosting her. Yay!

So, in the end, it all turned out great. By the way, the domain I got her is Cotton-Candy.net, is that cute?! <3 I loved it! Yes, she picked it out. I asked her about it. I can’t believe that I didn’t think of it first! lol. I love cotton candy! Wow… now this is making me hungry! xD So I’ll shut up now.

One last thing, I’ve gotten into video blogging! I’ll open up my new video blog website soon! Look out for the link! I’ll be sharing it here!

To start, I’ve learned that because I’m homless, I’m not allowed to have nice things like computers, cell phone, TV, a 19 year old van, kindle fire, ipad, clothes, food. I’m not allowed to have these nice things. Which you know what, that’s just a bunch of bullshit. Homeless or not, I don’t really care what anyone else says, I am allowed to have nice things.

In this past week, I’ve learned to just ignore the bullshit that people say. Their words and feelings don’t really matter. Sure, they can be hurtful, but I don’t have to let them be hurtful. I learned that I can just walk away. I can report the people, block them, ask them to stop with the bullshit, walk away, and just MOVE ON. I can do all these things. I don’t have to let the words of stupid, ignorant people bother me. And I’m happy with that.

I guess, I’ve just come to finally accept that I don’t need their approval. I’m beyond them. I know how this life is. I’ve been homeless, I’ve been through the abuse, I’ve done a hell of a lot. Their minds can even comprehend all that I’ve gone through and honestly, I can’t expect them too. They haven’t gone through what I have so I can’t expect them to understand or even want too. The fact of the matter is, its hard to understand something that you’ve never gone through. They’ve never gone through what I am, or they wouldn’t know. I understand that now.

No, them not understanding doesn’t justify their actions. Yes, calling me a liar and all that is wrong. But you know what, its not worth arguing over anymore. I’ve got my life. I have a lot of experience in life. While they’ve been sheltered away by their parents, I haven’t. Sure, my mum tried to protect me from what was out there, but she’s only human. A lot happened to me and around me, things that neither I or my mom could control. Its taught me a lot and gave me a lot. Though it was all hard, I’m making it through. I don’t need to listen to the bullshit that others can’t keep to themselves.

Someone special to me, his name is Jake, and he’s kind of my on again off again boyfriend. We’ve got a complicated relationship to say the least. He said something to me the other day. He said,

“They’re all just jealous of you, baby. You’re a doll and I love you. They’re just envious of what an amazing and wonderful person you are. After all, you’re like a star! A celebrity! That’s why your name can’t stay off their lips.”

I know he was only saying it to be sweet. He’s such a suck up. *rolls eyes* But, he’s right in a way. I must be something pretty damn amazing if people can’t stop talking about me. I mean, I hear some bullshit that people are saying about me on a daily basis. Before, it would hurt, and now, I think its kinda funny. To know that people have so much to say about me, true or not, good or bad, for them to feel the need to always talk about me, I must be a celebrity.

Who ever said celebrities only have fans? Hey, if you’re spoken about enough, you must be something amazing, otherwise people wouldn’t bother. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m amazing, otherwise I wouldn’t be worth talking about.

I won’t deny that their words may hurt sometimes, but now I know that it doesn’t matter. They’re just mean and ignorant and they love me. I’ve got better things to do then deal with their bullshit. After all, I’m a celebrity!

So I’m happy now. And that’s all that matters.

I’ve done a lot in this past year. So much that it doesn’t feel like it all just happened in a single year. It feels like its been so much longer. Still, it feels like the year just flew by! With this past year, a lot of good and bad things happened. I went through a lot.

I mean, in this past year, I’ve accepted more about being homeless. I’ve learned about my anemia and gotten medications for it. I’ve learned about my body dismorphic disorder, hoarding, etc. We’ve almost been in an accident all due to a giant turtle crossing the high way. I’ve gotten some new stuffed animals who have really helped me through this hard time. I’ve participated and won the NameCheap holiday contest. I’ve had to go over a week without anything to eat at all. Mum got a job. I’ve had two heart attacks. I’ve had the best Christmas EVER! I got a kindle and won an ipad. We got run off the road and the tired on the van got shredded. But! A man and his young son stopped and helped us for well over an hour!

I lost a best friend, but I got some new friends. I got new websites up and running and I’ve learned a lot more about doing and design. I got an up close look of a female deer, who was beautiful! I saw real life, LIVING turkey for the first time ever! It was amazing! I’ve seen the most beautiful homes. And I went through the worst computer crash of the last 3 years.

I mean, so much happened this year! Its unbelievable! And all that I listed is just a tiny bit of what happened this year. I mean, so much happened that just thinking about it all makes my head wanna POP! lol I wouldn’t say it was a good year, but it definitely wasn’t an awful one either.

Now that the year is over though, its just so hard to believe. I’m ready for a new and fresh start though. I like to believe that this year will go better then last. Hopefully we’ll get into some place to live and I’ll get into school. I’m really looking forward to 2012. Its a new year and its kind of like having a new start! I’m going to try and think positive about the future and stuff.

So, talking about new years, I don’t have a resolution yet, or at least I don’t think so. I think my resolution might be to lose weight. I’m at 105 pounds. I really want to get back down to 95 pounds. SO maybe that should be my new years resolution? To lose weight! But I doubt I’ll actually do it. I always seem to fail my resolutions. Not cool. I guess I can try though. That’s better then just giving up before I even start. Right?

Also! I joined the 365 Project! It sounded like fun, I figured that I would give it a try. I don’t know how well I’ll do, but it sounds like fun! I was also thinking about doing the Day Zero Project. Quite a few of my friends are doing it and it does sound like fun. So I guess I’ll consider it. So, I guess we’ll see!

I mean, its such a fun site and I love spending time on it! I participate in all of the activities. There’s only one activity that I haven’t participated in since I joined. That was the Zom*bees activity. It looks cute, but drawing zombies and stuff… that’s just not my thing. But I’ve participated in all of the other fun activities. Including making paper stars, 115 of them! I’ve looked for hidden stars and presents. I’ve drawn window scenes and star jars, clothes and polaroids, teacups, sandcastles, drinks, flags, islands, rabbits, and so much more!

I’ve met so many people and made some really great new friends! I’ve gotten awards and even become staff! Its so amazing and so much fun! Seriously, if you haven’t joined the Quilting Bee then you really should because its such a fun site! Its a great community. The forums are really active and there are lots of games. Like the pixel memory game and more! There’s groups you can join if you like knitting, writing, reading, web and graphic design, staying fit, etc. There’s something there for everyone!

Right now, there’s even a Christmas card exchange going on. You get to exchange real cards with real people from all over the world! If that isn’t amazing, then I don’t know what is. xD

There’s really nothing I can say to tell anyone how amazing the site is. Its so much fun and there are so many people there to meet! You don’t have to even know how to pixel. You just need to make a patch, it can be the most easy and basic thing in the world. They’ll love it and love you! Everyone is welcome to join! I can guarantee, if you join the Quilting Bee, you’ll love it! Go there and spend some time, participate in the forums, talk to some people. Its a great place and more fun then I can describe!

There are endless things to do. Never a dull moment! So go, go, go! Head on over to the the Quilting Bee and see what you’re missing out on! I know I wish that I had joined so much sooner. I should have joined years ago Its so much fun! You won’t ever feel left out.

I mean, this is coming from me. I don’t seem to fit in any place. I’m not usually active to a site, especially not one with a forum. I’m not always considered friendly. I don’t like to work hard and I’m usually not good at participating… But with the Quilting Bee, its so easy to fit in and belong. Since there’s something for everyone, its so much fun.

You can find so many activities, so many people and groups. Everything! Its fun! I really recommend giving the Quilting Bee a chance if you haven’t already. You’ll love it! I know I do!

You know, even though we’re homeless, my mum always tries her best to make sure my holidays are nice. She’s always been great like that. When I was younger, I would complain, not understanding or seeing how hard she tried. Now that I get older and I’m going through this homeless hell, I see everything she does. I guess, this has been a growing and learning and maturing experience. I’m glad.

I mean, maybe we’re not smart, spending money we don’t have on something like Christmas and Halloween. But I guess, its those little things that change your life forever. Those holidays might seem like “oh they’re just holidays” or something, but what do you remember years from now about those holidays? Personally, I remember the happy look on my mum’s face when I open a gift that I’ve really been hoping for. I even remember the gifts. I remember almost every gifts I’ve ever gotten or given. I remember how happy or disappointed (clothes) I was with the gift.

Like, one year, I went to my dad’s place to get my gifts. I think it was the day after christmas or something. I don’t know. But I got a barbie hotel. I still have it or had it. I’m not sure what condition its in since we became homeless. But it used to be in brand new condition. I loved that hotel. I remember how happy I was to get it. I was even happy with my dad because he usually just got me crappy pokemon toys and I HATED pokemon (still do).

Another year, also at my dad’s house, he and mum, together sorta, got me a PS2. I had been asking and asking my mum for it and apparently she told my dad that i wanted it. He actually ended up getting it for me. I had no expectations to get it because it was pretty expensive. I knew that we couldn’t really afford it. But I really wanted it. I didn’t expect to get it, but I asked for it anyways. So I was so shocked and so happy when I go it.

For my 12^th or 13^th Christmas, my dad came over to mum and I’s house like days after christmas to give me my gifts. He again, actually got me something that I wanted! He got me the Photoshop Elements 7.0 and a web cam (which I never used).

One year, he even got me a Zune ipod thing. I liked it, but its not what I wanted and I rarely ever used it. It ended up breaking anyways. I never got it fixed but mum said that she would replace it.

My mum though, she gt me always so many gifts, big and little. While my dad, spent $200 here or there. I mean, those four gifts were the only gifts my dad ever got me that I actually wanted. My mum, always worked so much harder. Getting me things I actually wanted. Though they weren’t always as expensive as the (usually broken) stuff my dad got me. She got me more and worked harder to get me what I wanted.

I would get lip balms, puffalumps (stuffed animals), barbies, bratz, a netbook, laptop, TV, personal CD players, computers, games, computer programs, PS2 games, DVDs, CDs, barbie houses/cars (I had like 5+ barbie houses/cars. xD), toy cars, poly pockets, poly pocket houses, stuffed animals, clothes, and so much more! She always gave me the gifts I wanted. They weren’t always as much as what dad spent, but they worked and didn’t break. They were brand new and I wanted them. I loved the gifts my mum gave me.

I mean, my mum has always, always made my Christmas’ and holidays great. Even now when we’re homeless. She still works so hard. I understand why too. Its important to have memorable holidays. I mean, you won’t remember every day of your life, but you will remember those holidays and how good or bad they were. At least I do. I only get gifts from my mum now and I’ve only gotten gifts from her for the past few years.

I always try to give her some gifts too. Even if they’re small. I usually get her a gift card for her favourite book store. She loves to read and I like seeing her happy. Sometimes, I’ll pick up another little item or two to give her as well. But it depends on how much money she gives me to spend. No, I don’t spend anywhere near as much on her as she does on me, but its that happy smile she gets when she sees the gift. That makes my holiday. <3

Last year, I was really nervous about Christmas. I was unsure if I would get anything or not. But I did. And this year, I know I’m getting some great gifts too. Some are going to come late (I helped her order them online back in November) but its alright. Most of my gifts this year will be small or things I need (like clothes/shoes) but some will be things I don’t need. They’ll just be things I want.

I love Christmas and I’m really excited this year. No worries, I’ll tell you all what I get!

You all may think that I’m crazy and you know what, maybe I am. But I just want to weigh 95 pounds. I feel so much more confident and better about myself as long as I’m under 100 pounds. 100 is a triple digit number and it seems so high, like such a big number. I don’t like it. I just want to be in the 90’s. No more, no less. So when I saw 105, I swear that my heart skipped a beat. I haven’t weighed this much in years.

What’s even worse, is I’m getting this gut again. It looks awful and I hate it. It makes me look and feel just miserable. I mean, It just makes me so uncomfortable. I hate it. I just want to lose the stomach/gut and just tighten up the stomach muscles a bit.

Its not fair though. I can’t eat healthier and exercise doesn’t seem to help at all. I exercise for about 1 hour at a time and I don’t even lose an ounce. I don’t understand whats wrong with me. I’ve cut down on the chocolate, but I can’t get rid of it completely. It required by my body in order to take the medicines I need. Without chocolate, the medicines make me sick. So its one chocolate per pill. And that’s the only time I eat chocolate.

Saying that, I can’t really eat healthy. I mean, we’re homeless and live in a shit motel. All we can get is fast food or TV dinners, all of which is very fattening. But that’s all we can afford or make here. Fruits and vegetables don’t last for more then a day or two in our fridge. Meat, we can’t make it. Maybe I should just eat less or only eat yogurt. Yogurt is a great thing to eat to lose weight. At this point, I’ll do anything to lose weight. I just want it gone!

I don’t want to be or have some super model figure or celebrity figure. I just want a flat stomach. I just want to be happy with myself. That’s all. I don’t think I’m asking for too much! …Am I? I don’t know. Right now, I just feel like crawling under a rock and starving myself. I just want to be happy with myself and right now, with my weight like this, I’m not happy. I can’t be happy like this. I hate it so much.

If I weren’t homeless and we didn’t need the money like we do, then I would be taking every penny I have and putting it aside. I would seriously be saving up for liposuction. I hear that it goes really well for those who don’t have a lot of weight to lose. This is something that I’m seriously considering. Which for me, is like WOW! because I hate things like this but I just don’t know what other options to go with. I mean, it’ll only cost about $2000 USD to get it done. So I mean… I think its worth it.

I just want the weight gone and I want it gone now. Not in 10 years. Now. I’ve been trying for years and now I just don’t know what to do. Nothing is working, not even a little bit. I’m not sure where to turn or to what else. I don’t know what to do. I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see. That’s it. That’s all I want and I don’t think that’s asking for too much.

So I guess I’ll have to see. I’ll talk to my mum. She’ll probably just say “you’re not fat” though, but she doesn’t understand how I feel. I wish she would at least try to see myself how I see myself.

On November 10^th, I saw that TheQBee had tweeted about wanting some new pixel team members. So I went on over to the forum post that Joni had made about it. She’s the head of the Pixel Team. I read over the post a few times and it sounded like a lot of fun!

Out first, I was really hesitant and reluctant about joining. I met all of the requirements and my skills in pixeling were pretty good I guessed. But, having to make pixels and stuff, it just seemed like a lot of work and I wasn’t sure if I was up to it. I already have a lot of stuff on my plate, so I wasn’t sure if I could juggle this too.

I was thinking about joining though. I really sounded like fun and I love the The Quilting Bee. I wanted to do more to be apart of it. So when my mum got home from work that day, I decided to talk to her about it. She really encouraged me to join. She told me how great an opportunity it would be. It would help to teach me about commitment. For those who don’t know, I have huge commitment issues. So I thought about it some more.

You know, I really wouldn’t have actually sent in my application to join The Quilting Bee if it weren’t for my mum’s encouragement. Sure, this gives me more work to juggle, but its okay. So I sent in my application that day.

On November 14^th, Joni said that I was now part of the pixeling team! I was so happy! I felt so great about joining right away! I started work on the assignments right away. I was just so happy and excited to get to work! I haven’t offered much yet to the assignments, but I’m not done yet!

I’m so proud to be apart of the team. I know now, that I can find a way to juggle everything and this now too. I love it so much. I’ve only been apart of it for a few days, but so far, I’m loving every moment. I’m going to work hard because this is something really important to me. This is something that I’m passionate about.

I really can’t thank my mum enough for encouraging me to join The Quilting Bee. I wouldn’t have joined if it weren’t for her. I’m so glad that I took her advice and sent in an application. Its the best decision I’ve made in a long time! I’m so proud to be apart of The Quilting Bee pixeling team!

This all has been going on for as long as I can remember. I don’t even know when it started or why or even how. I just know that I was a little, little kid when it started. Out first it was just touching and stuff. But… But as I got older it became more and more. It became more then just touching.

I mean, it never bothered me as a kid, but I think that’s because for some reason, I thought that this was normal. Like, logically, I knew it wasn’t. But its like, this has always been going on, so why would it be wrong now? I just didn’t understand. Or maybe it was the fact that I just didn’t want to admit to what this all really was. I didn’t want to see what was going on.

I guess I hid it well though, because no one knows. My mum doesn’t even know. I want her to know though, but I don’t want to go through the questions and everything. I just don’t want to answer them to her. I’ll answer the questions for anyone else, but not her. I don’t know what I would tell her.

“Hi mum. I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I was sexually abused all my life and its still going on.”

Yeah, I don’t think that would sound good. And yeah, you read right. I said I was sexually abused. I admit it. It was only maybe two months ago when I finally just…. it just hit me. Like a bullet. It hit me. This wasn’t normal and it wasn’t okay and it wasn’t right. And I understood. I faced what it was.

It was like a wife whose being beaten by her husband. She loves him and defends him. Every time he says he’s sorry after he beats her. She forgives me. Every time he says he’ll change and never does. But she believes him every time. It was like that for me. I was sexually abused but I didn’t want to see it that way. I didn’t want to admit I was being abused that way.

I mean, everything bad happens to me. People always tell me how my life “isn’t that bad” but its like… Its like they don’t even know a millionth of what I’ve gone through. I feel like, because I’m judged so much, I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about what I go through or how I feel. Because when I do, people constantly say how I just dwell on it or how I’m just saying it or going on about it for attention or to be a drama queen. Don’t people realize how much saying things like that hurt? I guess not.

So I’m kind of afraid to post this blog because I don’t want to get yelled at or harassed…. but there’s no place else for me to talk about this. I don’t have a counselor and like I said above, no one knows except those who’ve read this blog. I would tell and talk to a counselor about this if I had one, but I don’t. I need to get this out because its eating away at me and I can’t take it.

Honestly, I’m not sure when I’ll tell my mum or if I even will. So far, I’ve avoided the question. I don’t want to lie to her, but I don’t really want to tell her the truth either. You know? I guess I’m just scared. I’m scared of what questions she’ll ask or how she’ll respond. I’m not ready to face all of that. I’m not sure how I would answer her questions.

I guess if I do tell her or if she does find out, I’ll blog about it. I’ll need someplace to let lose and stuff. If anyone has any advice, I could definitely use it!

The good news is though, that I was able to last to let some time past and I could put of the new layout! Now this layout is really special. It was the previous layout of Karin. When I saw it on her website, I instantly fell in love with it. I tried to create something similar, but nothing even compared to her beauty. So I emailed her. I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. So I emailed her telling her how much I loved the layout and hesitantly asked if I could use it.

What shocked me was when she said yes! o.o It was like a dream come true! Seriously, it made me the happiest person ever! She even customized the header to have my site name! And even more, she even fixed the layout to work with or without wordpress.It was so great! I had never met anyone so nice!

I didn’t put the layout up right away though, but I’ve been so excited to get it up. Finally, I gave in, I couldn’t wait any longer and put the layout up. Doesn’t it look great?! I absolutely love it! Its my favourite layout ever! I’m sure that I’ll use it a million times over! lol

Anyways, I just wanted to update on that. I’m feeling a little better now then I was during my last update. I’m still not feeling great though. I’m better though. So hopefully I’ll be getting back into blogging. I really miss it.

I’ll try to update again sooner rather then later! No worries, the site isn’t closing and I doubt it ever will!

I’m to the point now where I feel like I should stop taking the medicine. Saying that though, i know that I need the medicine. But I just don’t feel like I can take it. I’ve been taking it for almost two weeks now and the syptoms aren’t lightening up. Things that I need to get done, they’re not getting done. I just feel awful. I can’t take it anymore. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. I don’t get whats wrong with me. I’ve taken this medication before with no problem. I mean, it wasn’t the same amount that I take now, but still. I never react this way to medicine.

So that’s part of whats been going on recently.

I had a nice Halloween though. Mum splerged a bit. I got a $3 balloon. He’s a mummy. I named him cuddles. He floats next to my side of the bed. He’s so cute! I’ll take a photo soon and post it up on my photoblog.

I also got one select bag of mixed candy. I went with a bag of snickers, milkyways, and 3 mustuteers. Yummy! I can only eat the candy when I take my medicine though. For those who don’t know, I have to eat some kind of chocolate when I take my mediciation. Otherwise, the medicine makes me feel sick.

I also got a super cute Halloween cup. Its kinda big, but it was pretty cheap. Thanks WalMart! lol. I’ll take a picture of the cup too soon. You’ll be able to find that on my photoblog soon too.

So i had a nice Halloween. I wasn’t sick! So that made the holiday even better.

Anyways, I’ll end the blog here. I’m still not feeling great and I’m just not up to blogging. I have some fanlistings that I’m required to finish. So i have to go work on them. They’ve been piling up for over a month now. So I really need to get to work, even if I don’t feel like it. So i’m off. I hope to update again soon.

You know, I keep thinking about everything over and over again. I mean, how did things turn out so wrong? How did they end so badly? I mean, I guess I’m not her… I can’t just pretend that none of it ever happened. I can’t pretend that we were friends. I can’t pretend that none of it was real. I can’t just move on. She was my friend and a huge part of my life. I can’t lie and say that wasn’t true. It hurts, but it happened. Everything happened. I don’t know why, but it did. We were close. I gave her money. I trust her. I shared my dreams, my secrets, my everything with her. I did everything for her.

I just can’t get over it like she can. For me it was more then just some lie like it was for her. For me, it was real. It was a close friendship, like a sisterhood. For me, it wasn’t just some kids playing pretend. It was something special and amazing. Something that only one in a million friends share. You know?

I dunno. She’ll probably make this out like I’m obsessive or something. But if being friends and having feelings and loving and caring about someone is called being obsessive, then fine. I’m obsessive. I loved her (not that way, like a best friend and sister). Her friendship was important to me. Losing her, it really was like losing a sister.

Everything we went through, everything we shared. It was real for me. She may have just been playing pretend, but before me, it was real. I experienced real feelings and now I’m going through a real heart break. Whatever she’s going through or thinking, I really don’t know. I just know what she told me and how she acts and what she tells people. Personally, I don’t know how anyone can live with themselves after they do such horrible things to another person. How they can say such nasty things about another human being.

In the end though, I guess it doesn’t really matter. Honestly, I’m the stupidest thing alive. I know that. You wanna know why I’m so stupid? Its simple. Its because even after all this, I would be her friend again if that’s what she wanted. I wouldn’t hesitate to forgive her. I mean, I would still need her to repay the money she scammed me out of but still. But I would forgive her regardless. No questions asked.

No. I would never trust her again. Well… actually… I hate to say it… But I probably would trust her again. I know she would hurt me again, but either way, I would trust her all over again. I’m stupid like that. For me, I promised to always be there for her. I promised to never let her down. I promised to never lie to her. I promised to be her friend forever. I promised, that if she ever needed me, i would be there, no matter what it took.

I never put any conditions on those promises. I won’t put conditions on them now. So its very simple. If she wanted to be friends again, that would be that. I would forgive her. I would be her friend. I would trust her again. I would still keep every promise I made. I mean, yeah, we would have to talk a bit and work everything out, but I would take her back as a friend in an instant.

I promised her I would be her friend forever. So I’ll always be her friend. Even if she won’t always be mine. The ball is in her court. I guess, like always, its all about what she wants. If she wants to be friends, then we’ll end up as friends again. If she doesn’t want to be however, then I guess we’ll never speak again. As usual, its about what she wants.

I promised though and even if we become friends again and she hurts me again, I’ll forgive her. The hurt will never go away, I can guarantee that. But my arms will always be open to her.

And whatever I did to her to make her treat me this way, i’m sorry. I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.

Like I said though, in the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. To her, my feelings never mattered. Because to her, it was all just “a dream”. it was all just pretend, a lie. I’ll never forget that or get over it… but… I would still forgive it. Because I promised to be her friend forever. I love her like a best friend, like a sister. She’ll always be apart of me.

Its not so bad if professionals say there’s nothing wrong. I mean, you can always find a new doctor. You can always do more research and bring them more evidence. Sure, its frustrating and upsetting and discouraging. But there’s so many things you can do. But your parents, your parents are supposed to believe you. They’re supposed to be helpful and supportive and understanding. They’re not supposed to tell you how you’re fine and that there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s not what they’re supposed to do.

For me, when my mum said I was fine and there was nothing wrong with me, I felt like i was back in school. Where I was dealing with my fellow classmates and teachers. They would all look at me like I was some idiotic, stupid, freak or something. I hated it. Like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Parents aren’t supposed to make their children feel that way! They’re just not supposed to do that!

What’s worse, is I don’t even think she realizes or cares about how badly she makes me feel. I mean, its just like I don’t matter or something. How could she even think to say something like that to me? Tell me that I’m fine. I spoke to her about it, about this problem and she acts like she understands. Then today she goes on about how I’m fine. How can she say something like that to me? Doesn’t she realize how badly that hurt? I swear, it felt like she had taken a knife and stubbed in in the heart.

It just really hurt. This is something that I don’t think i’ll get over very soon… if ever. I’ve never had my mother say something so hurtful. …Well… actually I have, but this really struck me hard. And she just doesn’t understand what I’m upset over.

I just don’t get whats wrong with me. I know the cause of all this, its the break-up between me and my friend, Andy. I mean, she was my best friend and then she just betrayed me. She lied to me and stole money from me. I mean, she scammed me out of $2,000 USD. Then she expects me not to sue? And then she’s telling everyone how I’m going to come and murder her in her sleep or some shit like that. How can you say that about someone and know it isn’t true? How can you even think of saying that about someone and not have a problem with it?

Sorry, I’m getting off topic… I didn’t mean to. Sorry. I’m just really upset. All of this has built up over a long time. So now suddenly, she doesn’t want to be friends and its like… I don’t even know. My feelings about all this are just so jumbled. She was my best friend and I was happy, like really happy when she was around. She meant so much to me, losing her was like losing a sister. Its not something you can just get over; if you ever get over it at all. She used to say that we were sisters, but if anything, she treated me like the shit under her shoe.

When she got upset about something I did, especially recently, i worked to change it. And I succeeded. She said that my anger when she did something wrong, upset her. So I changed it. When i got angry, I would take a deep breath and talk it over with her instead. We got along better and it was a huge plus. Or that’s what I thought. When it came to her changing, she couldn’t do it.

She could never treat me right. She was always abusive to me… She treated me horribly, but with her, to me, it was okay. She was my best friend. It hurt, but it was okay. I could get over it. I would get upset with her and we would argue. She would say sorry, not mean it, but I would forgive it. I would just accept her apology, knowing it was just a lie. She was my best friend. So her friendship was more important then the lies she often told me. That’s just how it felt.

However, I do wish that my friendship with her was more important then herself and her lies. I wish that I was more important then her fears and her lies. She was more important to me then everything else. Her friendship was more important then the lies she told or my fear of being hurt by her again. So why aren’t I more important to her? Why aren’t I more important then her lies and fears?

I don’t understand. I really don’t. I don’t understand why she treated me the way she did. I don’t understand why she blamed everything on me. I don’t understand why all I did was love her and care about her, and give things to her, but still, all I was, was hurt and abused. I don’t understand why all she did was lie to me. I don’t understand why I had to treat her like gold, but she could treat me like dirt under her shoe. I don’t understand why she could tell so many lies about me.

There’s a lot I don’t understand about her. All I wanted was for her to treat me right. She said I was her sister and I was precious to her, but if I was, why did she treat me so badly? I changed for her, why couldn’t she do the same? Why did I have to do all the work in our friendship?

I guess in the end, it was all one-sided. I was the only real friend in this friendship. She was just playing pretend. Playing games with my feelings. I guess that’s all it was in the end. It was all just a lie.

Wanna know something funny? …If she came back, I would forgive her instantly. I’ll never really move on. Its like saying you can move on after your sister dies. You don’t ever really move on. You come to accept the fact that they’re gone, but you never really get over it. Some nights, you still cry yourself to sleep. Some nights, you’re totally fine. But you never really get over it. I might one day come to terms with all this, but I’ll never get over it.

I guess, I don’t really know how to deal with it all. I just don’t know where I went wrong. All I did was love and try to be there for her. I cared about her and her future. I cared about her safety and her life. She was like my sister and even if we never talk again, she’ll always be my sister.

She can call me obsessive, possessive, or whatever she wants. She just doesn’t understand. She can twist and turn things into something they’re not, like she always has. She can do whatever she feels that she needs to do to justify her lies. She can call her lies “dreams”, but a lie is a lie no matter how you put it.

Yeah, I’m taking her to court for the money she scammed me out of and for slander/defamation of character, but I’ll still forgive her. Saying that, I gotta look out for me and for my future. I can’t keep putting her first when she doesn’t even have me on the list. I’m sorry, but I gotta look out for myself at some point. She doesn’t need to understand and I doubt she’ll even try to.

Honestly, I still love her. She’s like my sister and my best friend. I know what a real friend is and maybe one day she will too. I would never wish anything bad upon her, but I hope that one day, someone smacks some sense into her. Maybe one day it’ll all just click and make sense. Saying that, if she ever wants an explanation, I’m here. Even though she refused to give me any explanations, I’d happily give her one. I would never lie, hide, or keep secrets from her.

A few things I learned growing up is that two wrongs don’t make a right and if you’re planning revenge, to dig two graves. And finally, an eye for an eye, is stupid, because in the end, you’ll just end up with a bunch of toothless, blind fools. I’m gonna live by these. She can treat me wrong, but I won’t do that to her. It won’t help any.

Right now, I guess all I can really give her is time to work things out with herself. Maybe she’ll finally tell her family the truth about me and all I’ve done for her. Maybe she’ll realize what she had. I really don’t know. Maybe she just needs time to herself. Whatever the case is, I’m here when she gets back, if she ever comes back. My door will always be open, because that’s what love and loyalty is about. Its as simple as that. If she needs me, I’ll be there. Just like I promised.

I need a laptop and I need a cell phone and I need food and my van and my storage. There’s a lot of stuff that i need and jut because you may not see it as needed, you really don’t know do you? You can’t voice your opinion on it can you? You’ve never gone through this. You may have been homeless before, but you still have no idea what I’m going through. When you were homeless, did you live where I live? Make the money we make? Own the same things we own? No. So you don’t know how hard it is. You have no idea.

So just because you don’t think you need something, you can’t know unless you’re in my boat. You’ll never be in my boat. I just hate being judged based off what you think people need. It just pisses me off. I mean, how can you judge me and what I have or do when you have no idea what I’m going through. You have no idea what any of this is really like.

I get asked all of the time why I do or have things. Its okay once or twice, but when I get asked 2 million times, then its just like, “don’t you have anything better to do?” Just pisses me off. What’s worse, is my friends are the ones who ask. Instead of helping or anything, they just wanna judge everything and ask 50 questions. Can’t even explain how much is bothers me.

Don’t judge until you understand. Simple as that.

So a lot has happened really. I’m not going to cover it all in this blog though. It would be too long and cover too many topics. So I’ll wait and post each thing in separate blog posts. You know, spread things out a bit. What I really have on my mind right now though is school. I might seriously be going back this year. I mean, I know I’ve said this before, but this time we’re really working at it.

We’re working to get me into South River High School. Its a really good school from what we’ve heard. Its also the school that I’ve really, really been wanting to go to. The problem though, is I’ll be starting as a senior. I’ll also be a year older then everyone. Plus, even worse then all that, I’m so far behind. I’ve never, in my life, ever been to high school. At all. I’ve never done well in school before and I doubt that’s changed. Plus, I’m sick all of the time. Seriously, if any of you have read my blogs, then you would know that I’ve been diagnosed with Anemia, heart problems (possibly heart disease), and a possibility of cancer that’s going through my spine. So half the time I can’t even get out of bed.

I know, you’re probably saying, “well if its that bad, then why don’t you just get your GED?” the answer is very simple really. I’ve never been to high school and its for that reason that I so badly want to go. Trust me, one day, your kids will be going into high school and they’ll be nervous and they’ll ask you “what was high school like?” Well, imagine if you told them “I never went.” I can’t only imagine the look I would give them if my parents said that. I mean, in my grandparents time that was normal, but its not anymore.

I know how I look at my mum when I ask her about child birth and prom and she’s like “I didn’t have a natural birth. I had a C-Section.” and “I never went to prom. It didn’t interest me.” and its like, “That’s great, but that doesn’t reassure me.” I don’t want it to be like that with my kids. When they ask, I want to have an answer. Some kind of answer. I don’t want to give them some “i don’t know” crap. I mean, yeah, my high school experience will be different, but I’ll have the basics of it.

Plus, its a big thing to me to go back to school. I mean, even if I do fail and don’t graduate, at least I can say that I tried. If nothing else, I tried. To me, that’s saying so much. A lot of kids don’t appreciate or understand how much a simple—good or bad—high school experience can mean so much. In their future, you’ll end up appreciating those experiences, even if they were awful. They taught you things and made you experience something new.

It just means a lot to me. At the same time, its like “maybe I’m dreaming too much. maybe i’m being ignorant to the reality here.” you need credits to graduate and I have none. I have 0 (zero). Plus, I have no high school education. So I’m just so far behind everyone else. Its like… maybe it is impossible for me to catch up. Maybe I can’t do it. I’m just having all these doubts and I just don’t know what to do.

School starts on August 23^rd, that’s Tuesday. I may have to start a little late. We’re going to have to see. Mum is calling the school today while she’s a work to make an appointment to talk to them about everything. I also need to go to the doctors and have them right up a few notes regarding what I need in medication and otherwise.

I also need school supplies. This is DC, the only help they provide is crap. Unless of course, you want a Cars or Barbie book bag. …uh…NO. So I have to get the money for school supplies; at least some of it, and I need some clothes because I have like NONE. It just seems like this is all huge and impossible and just… It can’t happen. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so nervous.

After I get in school, if I do, I’m not sure how active I’ll be online or anything. I mean, I have a lot of catching up to do with my school work. So I’m really going to need to dedicate a lot of my time to that. I’ll still get online and everything. There’s no need to worry. I’ll definitely still be around. Its just a matter of how often and how much. We’ll have to see. I’ll keep you all informed though. Promise.

So, wish me luck I guess.

So then when I finally get upset about her playing her game instead of being there for me, she gets all angry. She starts going on about how she must be stupid or starts blaming me for shit. I’m upset, can’t I be? Why can’t you just come over and give me a hug. Not say anything, just give me a hug. No. She wants to say “what’s wrong?” in a real nasty, not-really-caring, attitude. And that’s if she says anything at all. When she does asks what’s wrong though and I answer, she gets pissed, and gets really nasty. Its like “so why did you even ask?“

I mean, its not fair. Why can’t she ever just be there for me? Half the time, she’ll just completely ignore me and go back to playing her games. I’m to the point where I just FUCKING HATE HER GAMES. I hate them so much. I regret ever getting her into those games. That’s all she does now is play those god-damn games. She doesn’t keep up her website or anything. She just plays her games.

There’s nothing wrong with plating games sometimes. We all love games, right? But she, it seems like she plays more games then anything else. Instead of being there for me, she’s playing a game. Instead of updating her blog, she’s playing a game. Instead of giving me a hug or comforting me, she’s playing a game. I’ve tried talking to her about it, she just gets really pissed and nasty over it. Its not fair.

I just want a mum. Everyone else has a mum. I want one too. I don’t have anyone else. Why can’t she ever just be there for me? Maybe I’m asking for too much…

One thing that I’ve come to realize is that some of my dreams are fading. When I was a kid and even as I’ve grown up, one of my biggest dreams was to have children while I was young. I don’t mean while I’m a teenager! lol No, no, no. I mean, having children while I’m in my 20’s, preferably before 25. Of course, I’m 18 now. That’s only 2 years until I’m 20. And only 7 until I reach 25. So I have between 2 and 7 years to have a child.

I mean, its not something that I have to do. Its just something I’ve always wanted. I always wanted to have a child young. I want to have a lot of children and I don’t want them all around the same age either. I don’t want to be like my mum either. She was 41 when she had me and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that old. I love her to death and she’s a great mother.

However, I always fear that because she’s so old, that she’ll die soon. Its my biggest fear. I mean, next year she’ll be 60. Everyone in our family dies around 80. When she turns 80, I’ll be 38. I don’t want her to be that old when I have kids. No. I want her to see my kids, her grand kids to grow up. Like my grandparents did (sorta). My grandparents saw me grow up until I was 16. They died around there. I’m not sure exactly how old I was, but I think I was about 16 years old.

Anyways, the point is, I want children. More then anything else in the world. Saying that though, I don’t want to have children with just any old person. I don’t wanna be one of those women who have 15 children and they all have different fathers. That’s the last thing that I want. I want children all (or most) of the same father. Like, two fathers max. I know sometimes first marriages don’t work out, so I’m basing all this on the fact I might end up getting remarried. You never know.

So, my problem is, how am I supposed to start having kids within the time I want. You don’t fall in love over night and I don’t wanna have kids with some guy I don’t really know. I want to him him a while, like a few years, before I do anything serious, like having kids.

Almost all of the girls I know either have boyfriends, serious relationships, kids, are engaged, or married. I can’t even get a boyfriend. I’ve never have one. Like, what have I done wrong? I’ve tried everything, including being myself. I can’t even get an online boyfriend. I feel like some loser. Everyone I know has or does have a boyfriend. Everyone but me. What kind of loser am I? Its not fair.

So, considering the situation and problem that I’m currently in, being without a boyfriend, how am I supposed to get a serious relationship and later, kids? Its seriously like a stab right through the heart. Its something I really, really want and its something that, at this rate, isn’t going to happen.

I know, it sounds silly and ridiculous. This is what I really want though. My best friends are reaching for their dreams and I’m reaching for nothing. Everything I want is impossible to achieve. I either can’t achieve it because its impossible or its not something that I can do alone. I feel like such a loser, such a disappointment. Maybe I shouldn’t have such stupid dreams, you know? Maybe they’re just not worth it.

I don’t know… I guess some things don’t work out and some dreams don’t come true…

I stared at the door for a minute find that odd, even at the time. I was thirsty though so I started to walk away towards the fridge. About three steps and I stumbled, falling into the wall. I rubbed my eyes a bit, maybe I was still tired? Maybe I just wasn’t fully awake yet? That’s what I thought. I knew it wasn’t too dark in the door, sure, it was dark because of the heavy shade blocking out the morning light, but I could see just fine. Still, I shrugged it off and went over to the refrigerator, stumbling along the way.

I picked up a cup and placed it down on the “counter”. I opened the fridge and got out the milk. I was shaking a bit and my chest was getting tight. I figured it was nothing. I thought maybe I was just dehydrated and needed to sit down. Sometimes in the morning, if I got up too quickly, I would experience this. I didn’t think much of it. So I got out of the milk, like I said, and I started to pour it. As I did, I spilled it. I never did this. I frowned some at my shaking at this point. I put the milk away, took a napkin and wiped up the spilled milk.

I then went to sit down on my bed and drink my milk. I figured that I had just gotten up too quickly or something this morning. I figured that if I sat down and relaxed that the shaking and tight chest would all just go away. I drank some of my milk and sat there. I took a few deep breaths, like I usually did to calm myself. It wasn’t helping. As I started shaking more, I had to put my milk down on the night stand. For a few more moments I sat there.

I didn’t sit there long though before I started feeling sick. Like really sick. I got up and went to the bathroom where I sat before the toilet. I didn’t get sick nor did the nausea go away. Instead all of the symptoms got worse. I had never experienced anything like this before. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt… weird. Its like I wasn’t all there. Its really hard to explain. It was like a drunk, they think they’re acting like themselves, but everyone else sees them acting like a nut. And they’re fully aware of what they’re doing, but to them, its like “I’m not doing that!” but they are and they know it. Does that make sense? That’s how it was for me, sorta.

A few minutes past and I kinda felt a little better. I felt like I could get up. So I got up slowly, stumbling quiet a bit. I remember feeling like the world was spinning. I stumbled slowly into the main room, got my milk, ice pack, cell phone, and stuffed rooster named Chickie (in my world, he’s a chicken who just LOOKS like a rooster). I then stumbled back into the bathroom. I felt so dizzy and light headed. I took a deep breath and tried to sit down, well, it was more like I fell down. I put my milk down to the side and my placed my other stuff next to me.

I leaned back against the bath tub and got my cell. Sometimes, if I was having chest pains, taking my mind off of it helped. It made me less anxious and relaxed me. I tried checking my email, twitter, playing a game, I just felt worse and worse. Finally, I looked up the symptoms. By this point, I knew something was wrong. Something was really wrong. I was starting to drift in and out. Not in and out of contentiousness, just in and out. I felt confused and I can’t really explain it.

I finally found that the symptoms were of a heart attack. They run in our family. The symptoms were getting worse too. Finally, at 10;15 am, I called for my mum. I called her two or three times. By this time, I think I was drifting in and our of contentiousness. There’s a lot of things that I can’t remember. I don’t know. She came in almost right away. She had been sleeping. I told her that I couldn’t get up. She helped me and I stumbled. She caught me though. I don’t really remember what happened after that.

The next thing that I remember was sitting on my bed again. Mum was next to me. I was drinking a bit of milk. She was reading over the symptoms. At some point she called our doctor, but there was no answer. By now, my speech was slurred and I sounded like I drunk. I was kinda-sorta aware of what was going on. Everything with my body was weird. Its like… the thoughts and commands from my brain weren’t reaching the rest of my body properly or very slowly.

At some point, mum got me into the van and drove to the hospital. Its actually a health center, but whatever. I don’t remember the drive there at all really. I remember driving past the gym by the health center though. And close the the health center I remember seeing a bus. I remember seeing signs that read health center. I remember seeing the emergency entrance sign above the door too as we drove up. I don’t remember parking at all though or walking in. It was around 12:30 noon when we got there. After we were inside, I went to the bathroom, I felt sick.

When I came out of the bathroom, the nurse gave me a bracelet with my name and all. After that, we sat around for a while. My symptoms were starting to fade. I was starting to speak normally again too. When I finally saw the doctor, some women who was a weirdo beyond words, my symptoms were just about gone. The doctor looked me over though and ran a few tests. Finally, she came to the conclusion that I had something called anemia.

Anemia is when the body doesn’t have enough red blood cells. So for some reason, my body is either destroying the red blood cells, not recreating them when i lose them, or i’m losing them quicker then they can be replaced.

Since I wouldn’t let the doctor do blood work, they couldn’t do anymore tests. She didn’t give me some medication to take though. They’re HUGE. It’s awful. The medicine does help. I have to take it every day. If I don’t take it, then I can tell a difference in how I feel.

She also informed me that I did, in fact, have a heart attack. It was caused by the drop in my blood pressure due to the lack of blood. or something like that. I could have a heart attack again, so she said that I really need to rest and take my medicine. The medicine is nasty. It tastes (and smells) like cinnamon with a burning sensation on the tongue. Its fucking nasty! It does help though.

She also gave me the name of a cytologist so that I can get over my fear of medical needles. I really need to get some blood work done. So I have to do that. Its been 5 days now and I’m still not back to normal. I’m still suffering from a tight chest and not enough air in the lungs. I’m doing better though. I just really need to rest.

With the fact there, that I had a heart attack, I have to be thankful. I mean, it could have ended a lot worse. I could have lost permanent motor functions or something. I didn’t though and she says that I should be fine for the most part. So I can’t really complain. It could have been a lot worse, but it wasn’t. So I’m pretty thankful. It was really scary though. So I’m taking my medicine and resting a lot. I’ve found that chocolate helps too.

I’m doing okay now. I just need to rest and I need to get some tests done. This all really needs to be taken seriously on my half. Saying that, it’s all still really scary. I don’t want it to happen again. So I’m going to be more careful and make sure I take this medicine. No matter how nasty.

What really bothers me, is that this doesn’t rule out having heart disease or cancer. It just means that I have one more problem including them (possibly). Which doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me worry more. Time to get the tests done. I’m ready, I think, to work on getting over this fear. I’m ready to try. That’s all I can say. I’m ready to try.

I just hope that things get better. I hope I don’t ever go through this again. But somewhere in my heart, I have a feeling that I will. I guess hope is better then nothing.

These past few weeks I’ve really been trying. I’ve been trying not to argue with people so much. I’ve really been trying to walk away from the fights or handle them with a calm attitude. I’ve really been trying. I guess I was a real fool though, to think it would matter. Either way, people think I’m arguing. Either way, I’m wrong.

It doesn’t matter how I try or how I pick my words. There’s just something about me that makes people angrily and makes them hate me. My teachers were the same way, everyone offline, everyone online, my family, everyone. Its like I’m a flower and went you see me or catch my scent you fall into complete and utter hate and disgust and anger. That’s the best way I can describe it. It happens to everyone who comes near me. They all end up hating me.

I try my very hardest to be the best friend I can. I do everything I can to make others happy. Maybe I should just disappear. No one would miss me. In fact, I’m sure people would be happy without me. After all, they wouldn’t have to listen to my complaining and whining anymore. I wouldn’t be around to cause any twitter drama like people blame on me. It would be great. Everyone would be happy. So I’ll just leave and it’ll fix everything.

So, I’m giving up. I can’t take it anymore. I’m a stupid, idiotic, pathetic, fool. I should be in the world records book because their can’t possibly be anyone as fucking stupid as me. I swear to god. I’m just that stupid.